2 min read

*1 STAR*

Rise your hand if you like guys who fuck their dead brother’s wives. Anybody? You guys don’t like that? If you’re into that kind of thing, I have the perfect man (book boyfriend) for you. Presenting…… Maxim Trevelyan! I getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning. Oh, wait. . . that was the beginning. That’s exactly how the book starts.

The Mister by E.L. James is beyond disappointing. It was inadequate, mediocre, and extremely displeasing.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a messy review so I’m going to have a bit of fun with this one.

First, let’s hear from the author. . .

Synopsis

London, 2019. Life has been easy for Maxim Trevelyan. With his good looks, aristocratic connections, and money, he’s never had to work and he’s rarely slept alone. But all that changes when tragedy strikes and Maxim inherits his family’s noble title, wealth, and estates, and all the responsibility that entails. It’s a role he’s not prepared for and one that he struggles to face.

But his biggest challenge is fighting his desire for an unexpected, enigmatic young woman who’s recently arrived in England, possessing little more than a dangerous and troublesome past.  Reticent, beautiful, and musically gifted, she’s an alluring mystery, and Maxim’s longing for her deepens into a passion that he’s never experienced and dares not name. Just who is Alessia Demachi? Can Maxim protect her from the malevolence that threatens her? And what will she do when she learns that he’s been hiding secrets of his own?

From the heart of London through wild, rural Cornwall to the bleak, forbidding beauty of the Balkans, The Mister is a roller-coaster ride of danger and desire that leaves the reader breathless to the very last page. 

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Review starts here

Look, who are we kidding here? It’s time to admit the truth – 50 Shades Of Grey was E.L. James’s one hit wonder. It is what it is. There’s no shame in stating the obvious. We’re all adults here. She became a multimillionaire from it. Rumor has it, The Mister made over $900,000 on Amazon US alone after one day. I’m sure she doesn’t give a fuck.

The Mister is just a mess. I’m going to try to break this down into bullet points.

• The writing was all over the damn place. Nothing flowed.
• Told from dual POV’s but the female character, Alessia is written in third person.
• They switch POV’s 3-4 times per chapter. It took all my energy just to work out who said what.
• It’s a 500+ page book but a good 250 of those pages were useless.
• He’s rich and he fucks anything moving.
• He fucks his dead brother’s wife a few days after his death. Oh, that’s sexy *eye roll*

“And because I’m hurting, too—because I miss him, too—and Caroline is my connection to him, my lips find hers and I ease her onto her back.” – Maxim

• She cleans his house where she finds used condoms in the waste basket. We all know rich men do not leave used condoms in the trash because there are nasty women out there who would “turkey baster” that shit.
• But somehow, the first time they lay eyes on each other they’re in love. Yeah, sure….let’s go with that.
• Every single time they have sex it’s documented in detail. I love a good sex scene but if they have sex eighty-three times in the book, there is no need to read about it. You can allude to once in awhile. I don’t need eighty-three reenactments!!!

Talk about a slow burn book. Nothing happens for the first 45% besides Maxim having sex, doing coke, or whining about have to work for the first time in his life. The next 40% consisted of useless scenes of them eating dinner, cooking breakfast, walking around town, having sex, talking, showering, getting dressed, looking for socks, blow drying hair, looking out the window, getting in the car, going to the gas station, shopping for food and clothes, talking, sleeping, watching each other sleep, washing clothes, ironing. . .

You want me to stop don’t you?

Yeah, that’s how I felt reading this damn book. I don’t want to do laundry or look for socks in real life. Why. The. Fuck. would I want to read about it. No, just no. There was a least five times they stopped for gas throughout the book. I get it, a car needs gas to run. IDGAF! I was so over it.

Eventually something happened but it wasn’t exciting, just a little racism, no big deal. It wouldn’t be a good book without calling an entire nation’s men rapists and woman beaters. Of course a white guy had to come in a save all those silly little illegal immigrants from their oppressors.

Get the fuck out of here! How ignorant can you be to not know this shit is offensive?!?!?! Where the fuck is her editor? I need to talk to them. This is ridiculous.

I know E.L. James is not hurting for money so she’s not overly concerned about the quality of her books. She is well aware that putting her name on a book guarantees impressive sales. But, I don’t give a fuck who you are, you cannot go around speaking ill of people based on their nationality.

Now, for the important questions. . .

Do I recommend this book? Hell no! Please don’t waste your time and money

Will I read another book by this author? Nope, I’m tapping out.

I did something I have NEVER done before in all my years of reading on my Kindle. I returned a book. That speaks volumes, folks.

I hope I didn’t get too messy!

TTYL, lovers. . .

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I want to apologize to the Albanian community for this offensive portrayal of your country, people, and culture. The way you were depicted was unacceptable and offensive. You are so much more than what was written about you. In today’s society there are so many people who commit hate crimes based on a false narrative put up others and this was distasteful. I’m not going to go into detail with what was said exactly because I won’t spend those kind of lies on my blog.

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Remember to follow all things messy. . .

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